10 Ways for Perfectionistic Women to Stop Seeking Approval & Embrace Their Individuality

10 Ways for Perfectionistic Women to Stop Seeking Approval & Embrace Their Individuality | Feather & Flint

I recently had the huge honor of meeting one of my personal heroes: U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren. Though I did once consider running for office, my admiration for Senator Warren isn’t purely political: There are few people out there today, in any field, who are able to set aside their fear of not being liked in order to do the work that they were born to do. This is particularly true of women, who seem to be both born and raised to consider others’ opinions and seek consensus before they act.

I hold myself to many standards, and receiving others’ approval has always been one of them, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise. I have never found a way to separate my drive to do great things in the world from my need for approval from other people. My perfectionism motivates me to exceed expectations in everything that I do; but the problem is that this flawed strategy works. I work harder to be better and to achieve more—for others’ approval, and for my own—and when I get that approval, it reinforces my need to continue striving for perfection in perpetuity.

Perfectionism has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I see it as a product of three factors: I hold myself to excessively high standards, and I often worry that I’m not living up to my potential. I’m powerfully empathetic, which puts me in the position of thinking about other people’s feelings and perceptions more often than most. Last, for me, toxic perfectionism is a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder—adding fuel to the fire.

What’s the link between perfectionism and the fear of not being liked? My perfectionism and my OCD have convinced me that unless I am perfect, I will face terrible consequences. So whether you obsessively perfect your appearance or the work that you do, you are convinced that anything less than perfection is deeply shameful—and for those of us who are highly attuned to other people’s feelings, shame is a truly terrifying prospect.

What I admire about Elizabeth Warren is her ability to persist in doing what she knows is right, in spite of the backlash that she’ll inevitably face. There’s an unspoken understanding that compels women to be agreeable. Others expect it of us, so we expect it of ourselves. Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign shed light on this inherent conflict: Can a woman be viewed as likable at the same time as we’re asking her to prove her competence—particularly in a traditionally male role? How can we be ambitious without being perceived as threatening; outspoken without being heard as shrill; intellectual without being seen as cold?

Robin Young Burinskiy Meets Senator Elizabeth Warren | Feather & Flint

Though my time with Senator Warren was brief, what I wanted to say to her was, “Thank you for inspiring women like me to set aside their fear of not being liked in favor of doing what we know is right.” Her courage and persistence remind me that my incessant need to gain others’ approval is self-defeating: By watering down the person that I am in order to meet others’ standards, I’m diluting what makes me unique—lessening the chance that I’ll contribute anything worth noticing in my lifetime. In turn, this widens the gap between who I am and who I believe I should be—setting off a chain of alarms in my perfection-driven brain.

Ever since, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the fear of not being liked: Why it’s so dangerous, and how perfectionistic, empathetic women like me can work to overcome it. Here’s the wisdom that I’ve gathered.

10 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Liked

Question the tapes that play on repeat in your head.

Are your thoughts a constant stream of criticism about yourself and other people? It’s critical to figure out how to turn down the volume down on that kind of negativity by consciously transforming the way that you talk to yourself. When you constantly undermine your own self-esteem, you’ll find yourself trying even harder to win other people’s approval in order to feel worthy—but when you’re constantly criticizing yourself, you become more critical of other people, too. In this way, placing too much pressure on yourself to be liked by other people can have exactly the opposite effect.

Also, when you’re in your own head, it makes it harder to be the kind of person that attracts other people to you. After all, how well can you listen to other people if your brain is firing off constant criticism about yourself and the people around you? When you break out of your own consciousness for a little while, you realize that you’re not the only one fighting a difficult battle—which can help you to connect with other people rather than isolating you.

Remind yourself that people’s opinions are incredibly subjective.

You know the saying, “It’s not my cup of tea”? Imagine trying to prepare a cup of tea that appeals to everyone. How can you satisfy the people who like green tea with sugar, black tea with honey and lemon, herbal tea with milk—and the people who’d rather have a strong cup of coffee? You’d end up with a cup of lukewarm water—pleasing no one at all. (For the record: My cup of tea would be a strong chai with almond milk and a generous spoonful of honey.)

It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can, which will naturally attract “your people”: The ones who genuinely appreciate what makes you you—no convincing or pandering required. If you spend your life trying to tweak your personality and preferences to please everyone you meet, everything that’s original about you—the qualities that draw your people to you—will end up on the cutting room floor.

Accept that people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.

You know how noisy the inside of your head is? You’re not alone in that. We all spend the vast majority of our time focused on our own worries and struggles. Knowing that, why would we let our fear that others will think poorly of us dictate how we spend our lives? Imagine going up to an acquaintance whose opinion you value (or fear) and telling them, “I’m holding myself back from doing what matters to me in life because I worry that you’ll disapprove.” Any reasonable person will respond, “Seriously?! What I think doesn’t matter—just do what makes you happy!”

Reassure yourself that the people who love you just want you to be happy.

Each of us has a handful of people whose opinions have the right to impact our decisions—and those are the same people who will most likely love you regardless of how you choose to spend your time. So do the work that makes you feel fulfilled; get married and have kids at whatever age feels right to you (or don’t do it at all)—just don’t let the opinions of insignificant people hold you back from spending your life how you need to.

Strive to be respected; being liked can come later.

Winning someone’s respect is so much more enduring and meaningful than winning their approval. Here’s the perfect example to illustrate this: Think about the graph during a presidential debate that depicts the audience’s real-time reaction. Their ratings fluctuate wildly in response to incredibly subjective factors like word choice, tone, facial expressions, and interactions between candidates. Imagine a politician whose sole strategy is to keep people’s ratings of him or her consistently positive. They would have to avoid saying anything of any importance because it would simply be too risky. In the end, of course, the strategy would completely backfire, because who would vote for someone who failed to say anything that actually mattered to the people listening?

If you live your life like this, it’s inevitable that you’ll lose sight of what’s important. You can’t get anything done without taking risks—and the most worthwhile, life-changing risks often involve taking a stand on something that matters to you, no matter what the social consequences might be. Think of someone who you admire—do you admire them because they’ve failed to offend anyone, or because they’ve had a real impact on the world? They might not be universally liked—Elizabeth Warren certainly isn’t—but they’ve won the respect of their people. Don’t get distracted by the ebb and flow of criticism and praise from people who don’t matter—command the respect that you deserve, and other positive effects will follow.

Never forget that there’s important work to be done that only you can do.

Using other people’s approval as a compass to let you know you’re headed in the right direction will always lead you off-track. Only your own intuition can lead you to the work that you’re meant to be doing in life—not just for your own fulfillment, but to fill a gap in the world that only you can. The pursuits that you’re passionate about aren’t a coincidence—they’re the areas where you can make a true difference in your lifetime. Your unique skillset and perspective are your greatest asset, not a liability—so make it your goal to find a place where you’re valued for who you are and can make a meaningful contribution.

Embrace the fact that what makes you unique is your competitive differentiator.

You’ll never find fulfillment or lasting success by striving to be a second-rate version of someone else. There’s a difference between improving the person that you are, and trying to become someone that you’re not. We’re all challenged to become more well-rounded versions of ourselves and step outside of our comfort zones in order to progress. However, your job is to become a first-rate version of yourself, not to become more like someone else—that would diminish the contributions that only you can make.

Here’s some #realtalk on this subject that I learned the hard way when I was struggling to find my first job out of school: When you’re interviewing for a job, it’s easy to focus too hard on pleasing everyone in the room; but you simply won’t get hired if you’re not memorable. By airbrushing your personality and your story to try to fit everyone’s expectations, you might come across as competent and personable—but ultimately, you’ll be forgettable. What makes you unique is your competitive differentiator—so embrace that; don’t shy away from it. (Unless you’re a jerk. See #10.)

Focus on building other women up.

When you’re hyper-focused on winning other people’s approval, it’s almost impossible not to become competitive and defensive. It might feel counterproductive to publicly praise someone else when doing so sends positive attention in their direction rather than yours. However, not everything in life is a zero-sum game. Plus, let me tell you a little secret from social science: When you say negative things about other people, they associate those qualities with you rather than with the person you’re talking about.

Positivity, encouragement, and support are not finite resources; and fostering an environment where kindness is thrown around like confetti is beneficial for everyone. This is especially important for women to realize, and even more so in male-dominated fields: One woman’s achievements pave the way for all of those who work alongside her, as well as those who come after her. The world is tough enough as it is; we don’t have to step on each other to make our way to the top, no matter how steep the competition might be. Rather than burning the ladder you climbed so that no one else can follow you, use your influence to create an environment where there’s room for more than just one female leader.

Pay attention to how social media makes you feel.

Social media enables us to compare ourselves to other people on a daily (or even hourly) basis. If you don’t closely monitor the impact that this has on your mental state, it’s all too easy to wind up feeling dissatisfied with who you are or what you have without even realizing why. Even worse: It’s not easy to disentangle your sense of self-worth from the feedback that you get on social media once you’ve been sucked in.

That’s why it’s important to take a step back and observe the effect that social media has on your mood and your thoughts. How can you build a more affirming, positive experience for yourself—and which steps do you need to take to extricate your self-esteem from the amount of likes that you get?

Just don’t be a jerk.

I saved the simplest principle for last. If you want people to like you, treat them with kindness and respect, and they’ll return the same to you. It’s easy to convince yourself that winning people’s favor is as complex and mysterious as alchemy. You don’t need to jump through hoops. Make kindness a cornerstone of your personal brand, and the relationships that you want will follow.

Overcoming the fear of not being liked can be a lifelong battle—and that’s okay. Rather than adding “caring too much about what other people think” to the list of flaws that make you feel inadequate and ashamed, it’s important to realize that placing importance on other people’s perceptions of us is in our nature as social creatures. Our connections with other people are vital to our survival. What you do have control over is the degree to which the fear of judgment impacts your actions and your self-esteem.

So, here’s what you need to remember (share this graphic if it resonates with you!):

10 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Liked | Feather & Flint

I truly hope that these 10 strategies to overcome the fear of not being liked will help you to boldly pursue the life that you deserve. Plus, here’s a playlist to inspire you to kick ass and take names, no matter what’s standing in your way. I can’t wait to hear what you think in the comments!

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Robin

Robin Young is the writer and photographer behind Feather & Flint.

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44 Comments

  1. Angel

    March 5, 2018

    Building each other up is such an important thing to remember! If more women embraced that we are in community, rather than competition with one another, I think that would help to get rid of the unrealistic expectations of perfection.

    • Robin

      March 5, 2018

      Exactly!! It’s sad how we all unknowingly reinforce those unfair standards by expecting them of each other. That’s why recognizing that the standards exist is step 1, and actively defying them by being just a little bit kinder + more supportive is so important! Thanks for reading, Angel 🙂

  2. Kimber

    March 5, 2018

    Such an inspiring post! Love your tips, I think I make things seems so much worse than they are. And btw, my tea order is an English breakfast with super hot water and a splash of soy milk. 😁

    • Robin

      March 5, 2018

      Thank you so much, Kimber!! I definitely do that, too–all of these tips are things that I’m trying to take to heart just as much as you probably are! And I love your tea order 🙂

  3. Jordan

    March 5, 2018

    “So whether you obsessively perfect your appearance or the work that you do, you are convinced that anything less than perfection is deeply shameful—and for those of us who are highly attuned to other people’s feelings, shame is a truly terrifying prospect.” – Man, that really hit home. I related to so much of this. I’m bookmarking so that I can come back and re-read this list on a frequent basis 🙂

    • Robin

      March 5, 2018

      I’m so glad it resonated with you!! Thank you so much, Jordan 🙂

  4. Shannon

    March 5, 2018

    I just finished reading a book on this, how timely!

    • Robin

      March 5, 2018

      Ahh! Which book? I should probably read it, too 🙂

  5. Samantha

    March 5, 2018

    It took me a long time to realize all this, but once you do, it changes your whole life. I always ask myself “why does it matter?” and usually it doesn’t. It was nice to hear everything written out in this post to remind myself how the little things don’t matter.

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      Totally!! I need to get better about asking myself, “Will this matter a year from now?” You’re right–most of the time, it doesn’t! Glad this all rang true to you–thanks for reading 🙂

  6. Laura | The Yellow Birdhouse

    March 6, 2018

    #3 is very true for me. In my crazy head I seem to think that others are agonizing over my words and actions as much as I am! I gotta get over that!

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      You are so not alone in that!! It’s so common to feel like there’s a spotlight on you all day, every day; and every awkward action that you make or word that you say is being scrutinized. But everyone else feels that way, too–which means that it’s impossible that other people are paying such close attention, because they’re too busy obsessing about their own awkwardness! 🙂

  7. Falak

    March 6, 2018

    Love this post! Thanks so much for sharing. #7 is so true and something I am working on for myself.

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      You are so welcome–thank you so much for reading it! #7 is such a huge one for women trying to make it in the workplace–we focus too much on emulating other successful people, when we should be focused on learning from others’ examples AND making our own unique contributions. It’s the only way to make a real difference–but the fact that it’s important doesn’t make it any easier to strike out on your own!

  8. Denise

    March 6, 2018

    Oh wow, number one really hit home with me. I have so many tapes that play over and over in my head, and most are not real kind. I’m taking your advice and going to make some move to up the positive and up my strength. Thank you! (and so cool for meeting Senator Warren!!!)

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      I am so glad this all rang true for you! (And omg, I know, right?! Still in awe!!) Women are SO hard on themselves–I think we believe that it’s what we deserve (which is so sad), and that being hard on ourselves somehow helps us improve. But as determined, smart, talented, hardworking women, we have to realize we’re not doing ourselves a favor by steeping our brains in negativity all day–we have to believe in ourselves before anyone else can! Otherwise, our self-esteem depends entirely on other people’s approval–which is exactly the problem I’m working hard to overcome.

  9. Nicole | Glamorously You

    March 6, 2018

    #10 is one of my biggest mantras too (although I replace the word “jerk” with “a**hole” but the same message gets across lol). I am definitely working through this right now in my career. It’s not where I want it to be and I find myself struggling only with my mind half the time.

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      Hahaha I love it!! It’s crazy how many roadblocks we throw in our own way on our individual paths to success. I’m convinced that at least 75% of the difficulties I face in my day-to-day work are purely psychological–namely, how can I separate my self-esteem from other people’s opinions of my work and my talent? It’s a huge battle, but realizing it’s entirely within your control is a huge step!

  10. Deborah Hunter Kells

    March 6, 2018

    Fabulous – thought-provoking post. Took some great thoughts with me!

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      Thank you so much, Deborah–that makes me so happy!!

  11. romasociale

    March 6, 2018

    I loved your post. I too didn”t think I was a perfectionist because I always fell short of being perfect. I did a series last year on perfectionism. It was quite an eye-opener for me.

  12. Misadventures with Megan

    March 6, 2018

    I ALWAYS have to remind myself that on one is actually spending that much time thinking about what I’m doing because they are busy worrying about their own things!

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      It’s crazy how convinced we all are that we’re not under close scrutiny day-in and day-out! I wish this was something that we could all just accept as a universal truth so we could give ourselves a break!

  13. Paula@ I'm Busy Being Awesome

    March 7, 2018

    Wow. I could relate to this entire post. Thank you for sharing your own story and also all of your wonderful strategies. What an incredibly opportunity to meet Elizabeth Warren!

    Your statement: “It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can, which will naturally attract “your people”: The ones who genuinely appreciate what makes you you—no convincing or pandering required.” really resonated with me. I’m going to write “It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can” on a post-it note and put it on my office computer 🙂

    Also, I love that Elizabeth Gilbert quote. I’m reading her book Big Magic right now; it’s fantastic.

    • Robin

      March 7, 2018

      Thank you so much, Paula–your comment made my day!! I love picturing that post-it note on your desk–I might make one, too! 🙂
      I absolutely loved Big Magic. Her personification of creativity as an autonomous force is just SO cool. Even better is her way of calling out every excuse that creative people make about not being ready to do the work we were born to do. It’s truly changed my life.

  14. Brandi Michel

    March 8, 2018

    Great, great, great post! I love #2: Remind yourself that people’s opinions are incredibly subjective. We are all uniquely and fearfully made. We are called to stand out and let our own beautiful light shine.
    I’ve always personally struggled with not being comfortable when I know someone doesn’t like me. But I’ve learned over the years that it’s part of living. And it happens the more you step out and share yourself with the world. The good news is, there are way more people that love you and need what you have to offer the world. So, you’ve gotta keep moving forward! Great post!

    • Robin

      March 8, 2018

      Thank you, Brandi!! SO true. The bigger the ripples you make, the more people will decide that you’re just not their cup of tea. But we have to look at that as a sign that we’re having an impact–not that we need to change what we’re doing. (Unless you’re a jerk, as I made sure to mention, haha!) So glad you loved the post, thank you for your thoughtful comment 🙂

  15. Asha

    March 8, 2018

    Thank you for sharing! I think there’s a lot of people who need to read this. One thing that I had to learn early on, and would add to point number 2, is that not only are people’s opinions subjective but their opinions are also reflective of how they view themselves. Their opinion of you often says way more about them than it ever does about you.

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      That is a great point! That plays into a bunch of things on this list–when you view yourself in a negative way, you are even more critical of those negative qualities in other people. Thanks for reading, Asha!

  16. Vanessa

    March 9, 2018

    What a wonderful reminder for me! Perfectionism is something I struggle with as well, to the point that sometimes I don’t even start because I’m afraid I won’t get it right the first time. I’m thankful that I’m *mostly* over that but if it weren’t for my husband I’d probably never have a blog or pursuing my other dreams. It took someone outside of myself to help propel me forward. Thank you for this!

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      Ohhh yes, procrastination among perfectionists is so counterintuitive but SO common! I do the same thing–if I can’t be great at something, why start? It’s a bad habit that I’m looking to get over, too! Thanks for reading, Vanessa!

  17. Katherine

    March 9, 2018

    This is such an amazing post! I love all the tips, but I constantly remind myself of #3 and I love #5!!

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      Thank you so much, Katherine!! So glad it resonated with you 🙂

  18. Divya

    March 9, 2018

    I remember seeing your picture with her on Facebook and FREAKING out because I, like you, have such a deep respect for Elizabeth Warren. This post was exactly, exactly, exactly what I needed to hear right now. I’m starting to spend more time reflecting on my actions, my triggers, my interactions and I realize just how much I do in an effort to appease others and ensure they are comfortable. But it downplays what I believe and my own intelligence.

    I’ve bookmarked this post to come back to it over and over and over again. Because it’s something that I think we, as women, need to re-visit often because society makes it so easy to fall back into these gender roles they think we should be playing.

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      Omg, I am so happy to hear that it rings true to you!! At the end of the day, what matters is that our jobs are fulfilling to US–and worrying too much about what other people think can only lead you off-track. But as empathetic women, it’s so hard to let go of that instinct–it feels selfish and unnatural. I’m trying to be honest with myself about what healthy striving looks like–being motivated by internal goals to become the best version of myself, learn new things, connect with other people, and do what I love–vs. perfectionism, which is motivated by the fear of not measuring up in other people’s eyes. But when we’ve been taught that it’s our job as women to evaluate ourselves through other people’s unrealistic standards and make everyone else happy before ourselves, it can be a lifelong, uphill battle to overcome it! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, as always <3 <3

  19. Johanne

    March 10, 2018

    Wow, what an awesome experience…meeting Elizabeth Warren. She always looks like such a confident and smart woman! The most difficult part for me when it comes to overcoming fear of not being liked is that I always think ‘what would other people think of me?’ And they probably won’t even think anything. And yes, other people’s opinions are subjective, so why would we worry about that? Luckily, the older I get, the easier it gets to not care about other people’s opinions.

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      She is so confident + smart–and the amazing thing is that she didn’t get into politics until the last few years! I look at her and I think, “Of course this was her calling–what would she have accomplished if she had started her career in politics earlier?” But maybe it took her whole life to feel like she was able to stop caring what other people thought and do what she knew was right. It makes me ask, “What am I NOT doing now because I’m worried about what other people might think, but it could make the world a better place for other women?” Lots to think about! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Johanne 🙂

  20. Summer

    March 10, 2018

    These are such good reminders for those who struggle with this! I’m thankful isn’t something I deal with heavily.

    • Robin

      March 10, 2018

      You’re lucky! Thanks for reading, Summer.

  21. Taylor Mobley

    March 12, 2018

    It’s SO true about comments being subjective. EVERYONE and their mother has a thought about how others should look, behave or feel. As long as you feel good about something – that’s all that matters.

    • Robin

      March 16, 2018

      Exactly! If you live your whole life trying to appease other people (or just what you imagine they might think), it’s easy to end up in a life that’s not at all fulfilling!

  22. Erica @ Coming up Roses

    March 12, 2018

    Yaaas, girl! #2 is sososo important! We take the opinions of others as fact, but they’re not. Not everyone is going to like us, and that’s okay. We don’t like everyone we come across.

    • Robin

      March 16, 2018

      Thanks so much, Erica!! Totally – I think that as women, we hold ourselves to such high standards that we would never hold other people to. But pleasing everyone around us is not our job!

  23. Anonymous

    March 14, 2018

    Thanks so much for the post.Really thank you! Keep writing.

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