4 Dangerous Misconceptions About Soulmates—and How to Think About Love Instead

4 Dangerous Misconceptions About Soulmates—and How to Think About Love Instead | Feather & Flint

Earlier this year, I told the story of how I met, loved, and lost the person I once considered my soulmate—and why it was ultimately for the best.

The concept of “soulmates” is a mystery that I’ve been unraveling for nearly a decade. Today, I want to dig into my beliefs about soulmates, developed through my own experiences, conversations, and research—and I hope that you’ll share your stories and thoughts with me, too!

Everyone wants a breathtaking love story. We want the “happily ever after” that ties all of the loose ends from our past into a definitive knot—the plot twist that makes all of the ups and downs that we’ve endured make perfect sense.

However, I’ve come to believe that our fascination with love stories and misconceptions about soulmates have twisted our perception of love in a dangerous way. Our belief that true love should be passionate and dramatic causes us to cling to unhealthy relationships that should have been left in the past. We believe that one person holds the key to our hearts—driving us to search for an idealized, once-in-a-lifetime love when what we really need might be right in front of us. We focus on limerence, the intoxicating but inevitably short-lived feeling of falling in love—not the challenge that it takes to maintain real love over the course of a lifetime.

Here are 4 dangerous misconceptions about soulmates—and how we might want to think about love instead.

4 Common but Dangerous Misconceptions About Soulmates

We confuse passion and overwhelming emotion for love.

Author Robin Norwood explains the difference between passionate love (eros) and companionate love (agape) in a way that completely revolutionized my understanding of love. In a relationship characterized by eros, she writes that love is experienced as “an all-consuming, desperate yearning. In order for passion to exist, there needs to be a continuing struggle, obstacles to overcome, a yearning for more than is available. In a passionate relationship, something very important is missing: commitment; a means of stabilizing this chaotic emotional experience and providing a feeling of safety and security.”

In a relationship founded on agape, meanwhile, love is experienced as “a partnership to which two caring people are committed. The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel toward each other. Their relationship allows each to be more fully expressive, creative, and productive in the world. Each views the other as their dearest and most cherished friend. Another measure of the depth of love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy.”

She continues: “The society in which we live and the ever-present media that saturates our consciousness confuse the two kinds of love constantly. We are promised that a passionate relationship (eros) will bring us contentment and fulfillment (agape). The implication is that with great enough passion, a lasting bond will be forged. All the failed relationships based initially on tremendous passion can testify that this premise is false. The trust and honesty of agape must combine with the courage and vulnerability of eros in order to create true intimacy.”

In my post, Do Soulmates Exist?, I describe a relationship from my past that I now realize was founded entirely on passion:

We were finishing each other’s sentences within hours of meeting, an uncanny connection unfolding between us from the very first moment—an inexplicable, instantaneous understanding of one other that was unlike anything that either of us had ever experienced. It was as though we had known each other from the time we were children, despite growing up with half a continent between us. [On the first night that we spent together,] the story of his life already felt familiar, as though it were my own.

We carried incredibly tenacious feelings for each other, no matter how much time passed or how much distance there was between us; and the chance to take another shot at a relationship that felt destined to persevere in the end provided reason enough to keep trying. Our feelings for each other were preserved, unchanged, no matter what had happened in our separate lives in the meantime, like flowers pressed between the pages of a book.

The depth of emotion that we experienced within this relationship is hard to put into words. Our feelings for each other were fueled, rather than thwarted, by our relationship’s continuous cycles: from indescribably perfect periods when it felt like we were destined to be together, our whole lives leading up to the moment that we met; to times when we would be separated by thousands of miles, or when we were in relationships with other people, or when I would pass him on the street with incommunicable hatred and hurt in my eyes, wishing desperately that we had never met.

After three exhausting years, I finally realized that this intensely passionate relationship would never become what I needed it to be or what I deserved. Ultimately, I could no longer deny the fact that he was unable to do two things that are required within any lasting relationship: to be vulnerable in the presence of a person who you trust to care about you in spite of your rough edges; and to turn your feelings for your partner into commitment toward the relationship. Because our relationship was founded on eros but lacked the vital lifeblood that agape provides, it was destined to fall apart—no matter how tenacious or profound our feelings might have been.

We expect a single person to meet all of our needs.

From a young age, we’re steeped in the narrative that each of us has a counterpart that we should spend our lives searching for; that we’re a single soul split into two bodies, never fully whole until we’ve found our perfect match.

Think about the pressure that this puts on us—both to find our soulmates, and to live happily ever after with them.

What if you find someone who loves you more than you could ever have imagined, but your differences sometimes cause friction in your relationship? Does occasional conflict mean that you chose the wrong person? Should you walk away from that once-in-a-lifetime love in the hope of finding a more ideal partner?

What if you happen to find someone with whom you feel divinely connected from the very first moment, but being with them puts you through hell? Are you supposed to stick by someone’s side as they mistreat you, simply because they make you feel more intense emotions than you ever thought possible? Do you have to set aside any notions of what you deserve in the name of true love?

We have to loosen our grip on these misconceptions about soulmates in order to find lasting happiness within our relationships. There is no person who can perfectly balance your strengths and weaknesses; and every relationship contains a certain amount of conflict, loneliness, and frustration. You can find real, lifelong love with someone with whom you have nothing in common other than a shared commitment to your relationship. By the same token, two people who seem perfectly suited for one another on paper can find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship that they’d both be better off without.

The second part of this important tenet is that we can’t rely on a single person to fulfill all of our emotional needs. We all need to feel understood in a deep, meaningful way in order to be happy. However, this doesn’t need to be provided solely by our partners; and in fact, it can’t be. Even the most fulfilling, well-balanced relationship needs to be supplemented by other sources of contentment—friendships, family relationships, careers, and creative pursuits—for a healthy dynamic to form.

One person can’t be everything for the person that they’re with; and we can’t place our emotional well-being solely in another person’s hands. We have to become whole as individuals before we can establish healthy relationships—and we can’t afford to wait to feel complete until we find our ‘better half.’ By handing the responsibility back to each of us to forge happiness on our own terms, it takes a tremendous deal of pressure off of our relationships.

We get swept away by dramatic love stories.

When you believe that something is fated to happen, you become a passenger in your life rather than the driver. In the relationship that I described in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?, I was willing to put up with emotional torture in the short-term because I believed that he was my destiny in the long-term. It took years for me to understand that fate didn’t require me to settle for less than what I deserved; that I could play an active role in constructing my own future. Ultimately, I realized: how could my destiny be tied to someone who couldn’t commit to a long-term relationship with me?

From the outside, it was impossible to understand why we kept coming back to one other, drawn together like magnets, when our union resulted in such intense agony. The reality is that we viewed each obstacle impeding our relationship as a temporary setback within a lifelong love story. Rather than seeing the inherent weaknesses in our relationship, we blamed our circumstances every time that things fell apart. Our indescribable, instantaneous connection led us both to believe that our relationship would inevitably succeed, one way or another. This provided reason enough to keep trying, year after year, no matter how spectacularly it had failed the last time.

After all, I always asked myself, what if I passed up the chance to give our relationship one last try, and our happy ending had been right around the corner? What if I said goodbye before I was truly ready, and I regretted it for the rest of my life? How could we feel such profound emotions and not be destined to be together? Most of all: how could I close the book on the greatest love story I’d ever heard after we’d sacrificed so much to make it work?

I could see this breathtaking narrative unfolding before my eyes when we were together. Sometimes, it felt so close that I could almost reach out and grab it; but it would dissipate as quickly as it had appeared, no matter how desperately I tried to hold on. What I wish I had known then was that a beautiful story is just that: a story that we tell ourselves to make sense of the complicated reality that we inhabit. Love stories have a way of emphasizing certain components—the instant connection, the dramatic arc, the gratifying ending—and letting unromantic, inconvenient details fade into the background. In reality, however, people don’t always play the roles that we want them to; and the circumstances that we’re dealt sometimes force us to abandon the narrative we’ve constructed for a real chance at a happy ending.

I wrote in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?:

It wasn’t easy to fabricate my own sense of closure when the most haunting, evocative relationship that I had ever experienced ended for reasons that I had no control over and will never truly understand. The most difficult thing to let go of was the poignant narrative that had been building for three years—the timeless story of an enigmatic, powerful love that persevered in the most difficult of circumstances, destined to bring us together in the end. It was the Northern Star that kept us coming back to one another again and again, in spite of everything; but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

He remains an undeniable element of my personal history; but ultimately, his significance didn’t arise from the fact that he was meant to be a part of my life until the end of time. His role was that of a catalyst, transforming me into the person that I needed to be in order to end up exactly as I am today: resilient and wise; unflinching in demanding what I deserve; and with no specters of regret haunting my dreams.

We think of love as a matter of chance, not of choice.

One of my relationships began at the Starbucks in downtown Boston where I briefly worked during college. I was a barista, and he was a customer who would come in for hot chocolate several times a day for the chance to chat with me over the counter. Our first date lasted over 24 hours; and as we traversed the city, getting to know each other on a deeper level, we saved a man’s life and I met half of his family. It was romantic, and it’s a story that we loved telling.

However, just as much a part of our story was that our relationship was never easy. We were polar opposites in every way; and while our differences gradually transformed us into better, more well-rounded human beings, it also caused many arguments that tended to end in agreeing to disagree.

In fact, just a few months after we met, I broke things off, saying that we’d both have an easier time if we found partners more similar to ourselves. We would never have gotten back together if it hadn’t been for his perseverance and enduring commitment. As I said a tearful goodbye to him back then, he told me that he would never walk away from our relationship—a promise that he kept by continuing to show up on my doorstep, month after month. He loved me more than anyone I had ever met at the time; but because of my misconceptions about soulmates, I was waiting for my perfect counterpart, with a relationship free of friction and dissension. I was unable to recognize what was right in front of me.

In the end, the most romantic part of our story wasn’t how we met, or how we came back together—it’s how we stayed together for so many years, putting the necessary maintenance into our relationship, day in and day out. It’s the way that we both chose each other every single day, supporting each other through all of life’s twists and turns. As I wrote in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?:

I have learned that love is not infatuation; it is not magnetic attraction; it is not the dramatic, heart-wrenching passion that results from being ripped apart and reunited. Lasting love is not contingent on these things. It is a daily choice to remain committed to someone whom you are willing to trust with everything that you have. It is vulnerability, and it is sacrifice. It is laughter, and it is reciprocity.

Love is not dichotomous, hot-and-cold passion; it is the feeling of a cup of tea warmed to the perfect temperature, savored early in the morning as the rest of the world sleeps, with a comforting warmth that persists even when you’re apart. It is based on the experiences that you build through mutual dependence upon one another, in good times as well as in bad. It is realizing that you can’t imagine life without one another, because you are the most you with this person as a part of your existence. It is wanting to depart this earth at the exact same time so that you never have to live a single moment in a reality where they no longer exist. I know this now.

We’ve all fallen head over heels for the concept of soulmates. But isn’t it more romantic to love someone because of who they are—not because a mysterious force thrusts you together? Isn’t it more romantic to voluntarily devote each day of the rest of your life to stoking the fire of your relationship—not relying on an inexplicable attraction that could disappear as quickly as it arrived? Isn’t it more romantic to know that either of you could have ended up with any number of people, but you chose each other unequivocally? Isn’t it more romantic to know that chance may have brought you together, but the choice to join two separate lives into one was entirely deliberate? I’m beginning to think so.

We may meet our life partners by chance; but whether or not they stay in our lives is entirely within our control. We have to let go of the romanticized notion of “the one that got away”—the soulmate who we met, loved, and forever regretted losing—and other damaging misconceptions about soulmates. People come into our lives to teach us vital lessons about ourselves and the world around us. If we’re lucky, we meet kindred spirits along the way—people who we form rare, instantaneous connections with, who understand a part of us that others can’t. Some of these people are meant to stick around for the duration of our lives; but many seem to slip through our fingers once they’ve served their purpose. We have to stop swimming upstream, holding on to relationships that aren’t built to stand the test of time—whether it’s circumstances or personal differences that drive you apart.

When we meet the people who are meant to be a part of our lives for the long haul, there will still be arguments, compromises, and difficult decisions along the way. In order to forge a partnership that lasts, therefore, we have to be willing to put in the continual hard work to evolve along with our circumstances—becoming better versions of ourselves year after year.

What are your thoughts on soulmates? I would love to hear your stories and opinions (this is literally my favorite thing to talk about)—leave me a comment below!

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Robin

Robin Young is the writer and photographer behind Feather & Flint.

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43 Comments

  1. Laura

    August 28, 2017

    I don’t necessarily believe in soulmates (though my bestffriend and I claim to be each other’s, and our partners are just the loves of our lives). Though I do believe certain people are meant to come into your life, whether to be a destructive force or an uplifting one.

    When it comes to the mister, I know I could be happy with someone else out there, so could he, but we found each other and love each other and commit to each other, and what’s more beautiful than that?

    Xxox
    Laura @ http://www.cookwineandthinker.com

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      I couldn’t agree more! I believe that people come into our lives to teach us lessons, whether they’re people that we know for just a season of our lives, or for the duration. This includes romantic relationships, but also friendships, work relationships, and even just people that we cross paths with once in a while. It’s super insightful to mention that some of these people are an uplifting force and some are destructive–which is true of all experiences, when you think about it, because we gain just as much wisdom from disappointing and frustrating experiences as happy ones. (Maybe even more!) I also agree 100% that deciding to commit to one another is much more romantic that believing that some uncontrollable force has brought you together–what’s to say that it won’t leave as quickly as it came? Thanks for reading and leaving such a thoughtful comment, Laura! 🙂

  2. Fay

    August 28, 2017

    This is such a hard topic of conversation to discuss because I am unsure on my thoughts and feelings towards soulmates. I was married for 5 years before ultimately leaving my husband and moving back to Ohio. The reasoning is obviously that of a complex nature but if I had to hone in on one detail it would be that I didn’t feel whole. I felt as though I was living a passionless life. I yearned for more, for a deeper connection with not only my spouse but with myself and the world around me.
    I believe that people enter and exit your life at the right moments. Sometimes it hurts and we can’t explain why but I believe that each point in your life can come with a soulmate, depending on your current state. When I started dated again, I soon realized that there are so many types of people in this world. There were those I shared a lot in common with and those that I did not. Trying to understand relationships and the concept of soulmates is tricky to me, and I feel as though I have a skewed perception due to my divorce. But, alas, I push forward, creating relationships with new beings (friends or more) and hope that one day I will feel the passion and commitment that you discuss in your post!

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      I absolutely love the thought that maybe each season of your life can come with a soulmate depending on your current state. That is so profound and thought-provoking–I’ve never thought of it that way, but it’s absolutely been true for me! Some relationships are meant to stand the test of time, but so many others serve their purpose and eventually fade away. We all go into our relationships intending for them to last forever, and we rarely consider or plan for the reality that they may not; but I do think that we have a lot more agency over that than we might think. I don’t think that relationships just end out of nowhere, and that people are helpless in trying to hold them together. By the same token, I also don’t think that we should hold on to relationships just for the sake of keeping them together until the end of time–if they’ve served their purpose and have started to sour, we’re not helping anyone by insisting that they have to last forever.
      Deciding to leave your marriage must have been INCREDIBLY hard, and I applaud your courage and decisiveness–if, after a lot of consideration, your gut was telling you that what was healthier for you was to be on your own, then that’s exactly what you should have done. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story, Fay–I really, really appreciate it. <3

  3. Amanda @ The Light Owl

    August 28, 2017

    Love this post girl! Your story about meeting your husband is so perfect. I’ve heard from a lot of people actually that they have a soul mate and yet they could never be together. I do believe in the concept of soul mates. My best friend is one. And I think in many ways, my husband is a soul mate too, but I don’t necessarily believe in ONE soul mate, if that makes sense. I’m certainly not attracted to my best friend and yet we vibe perfectly together. My husband and I do too, most of the time. But I love him for way more than just being very similar to me. In many ways, we are a lot different too. That took a lot of getting used to, but through the last 8.5 years, we’ve learned to adjust to one another and allow our differences to complement each other.

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      Thank you so much for reading, Amanda! I like your thought that people can be soulmates and still need to develop a complementary relationship to one another. One of the things that irks me about the concept of soulmates (and this is an idea that I believed in for most of my life!) is that it makes some people passive in tending to their relationship over time. There’s a myth out there that if you’re perfect for each other, your relationship shouldn’t need constant work… but even the most perfect relationships have to evolve over a lifetime, and that doesn’t just happen without both people consciously putting in the effort. In the end, it’s so much less about meeting a person who’s perfect for you as-is and immediately falling in love–it’s really about intentionally committing to a partnership, and both partners spending a lifetime giving the relationship the care it deserves. Thanks so much for reading 🙂

  4. Emily @ The Southern Belle Blogs

    August 28, 2017

    Like Laura, I don’t believe in soul mates in a romantic way but I do think my best friend and I are meant for each other. We have one of those friendships that can just pick up immediately, no matter how much time has passed.

    I love my partner but I wouldn’t call him my soul mate. He’s my partner though in every which way and I wouldn’t change anything. Things may not always be passionate but I complete faith in him being a wonderful provider and lifelong mate.

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      I have a friendship like that, too, and it’s so special to me! We have always been a source of wisdom and support for one another; and while we haven’t lived in the same place since high school and aren’t always great about keeping in touch on a regular basis, we always pick up right where we left off. We both cherish that so much because it’s so nourishing but so rare!
      And I’d describe my marriage in a very similar way to yours–what matters less in a lifelong relationship is passion, I’ve found, and what matters more is that both partners are equally committed to the relationship throughout every season of life. It’s hard work, but it’s one of the most amazing things in the world.
      Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Emily!

  5. Alex | sunkissed in december

    August 28, 2017

    Such a wonderful read, my head is now spinning thinking about the concept of soulmates vs. love. I was also in a very similar relationship to that passionate/destructive one you spoke about (almost to an uncanny point!!) and when that finally ended it was the weirdest and hardest thing to just give it up. My relationship now is so completely opposite of that, and falls more into the vulnerable, trusting, agape category. Although I’m still not sure what my exact feelings on “soulmates” are, I do think people come into and out of life for a reason, and maybe it takes that passionate crazy experience and losing it to realize that the vulnerable committed experience is what you need.

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      Thank you so much for reading, Alex!! That’s SO fascinating that you have been through similar relationship struggles–I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but I am grateful for the wisdom it’s brought me on what really matters in a lifelong relationship. Otherwise, I could never have appreciated the relationship I have with my husband because it was so different from what I thought I was looking for when I was younger. I’m so glad you’re in a wonderful relationship now–you deserve it! <3

  6. Adriana Renee

    August 28, 2017

    Love this! I’m single who is enjoying her singleness. One of the main things I am doing is feeling content with myself instead of hoping someone fulfills me.

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      That’s awesome–the sooner in life that you can learn that lesson, the better off you’ll be! Enjoy it 🙂 Thanks for reading!

  7. jehava

    August 28, 2017

    You are so correct and I think understanding this leads to realistic expectations and a great marriage!

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      Thanks so much, Jehava–so glad it rang true for you! I certainly hope so 🙂

  8. cara

    August 28, 2017

    I think the second point you made is so spot on! So many times we rely on others to make us happy, but when you do that you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Only you and you alone can control your own happiness. Great post!

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      Thank you so much, Cara! It’s true, and it’s SUCH a hard lesson to learn because other people have such a massive influence on our happiness. It feels impossible and even counterintuitive to try to maintain an inner sense of happiness and worthiness independent from the relationships that mean the world to us. But it’s not only setting yourself up for disappointment–it’s also putting a huge amount of pressure on relationships to insist that they provide us happiness when only we can do that for ourselves. It’s a daily struggle, but it’s one of the most important lessons we can learn, I think!

  9. Jordyn

    August 28, 2017

    This is such a great post! I also don’t think the idea of soul mates is always a healthy concept. When I was younger I really confused passion in a bad relationship with the sort of passion I saw in movies and read about in books. I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long. Now I am in a much healthier much happier relationship and I realize love is a choice, not something we stumble into aimlessly.

    • Robin

      October 27, 2017

      I’m so glad that you’re in a better relationship now! It’s rough that we often only realize what love is supposed to be like once we’ve experienced both really damaging relationships and healing ones. If writing about this topic could keep just one amazing woman out of a relationship that’ll throw her identity and sense of worth into a tailspin, then my life’s work would be complete! But it’s so hard to resist the draw of romantic narratives, whether the ones we tell ourselves and each other, or the ones that we see in movies and read in books. Ultimately, we all have to experience both sides of love for ourselves to be able to appreciate it when it’s right. Thanks so much for your insightful comment, Jordyn!!

  10. Vicki

    August 28, 2017

    Yes Yes Yes Yes YES to number 3! I am a hopeless romantic by nature and I knew that I would do whatever it took to make my marriage last for a lifetime. I also endured emotional abuse and neglect because I was determined to have my happily ever after. It wasn’t fair to me, and I had to remind myself that I deserve real love, even if it meant starting over and finding a new path in life.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Wow – thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, Vicki! I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but what an important lesson to learn from a difficult time in your life. I hope you find the kind of love you deserve <3

  11. Jordyn Galan

    August 28, 2017

    You brought up many good points i have never thought about. Great post!

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much for reading, Jordyn–so glad it resonated with you!

  12. Anonymous

    August 28, 2017

    I love this! I’ve been married for 19 years and I agree with everything you said. My previous relationship was one of passion and unfortunately passion is just too fleeting. My husband is steadfast and true and loves me despite (my bad habits, moodiness, faults, etc.). He sticks around when it gets tough. I think that this notion of a “soulmate” is ruining modern relationships. No one should “complete you” except you. You have to be whole before you can be a partner. This should be required reading for all high schoolers/college students/single people.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      I couldn’t agree more! I’m so glad to hear that all of the lessons I’ve learned about love have been proven by your own experiences. It’s so frustrating that the kind of love we grow up believing is best doesn’t actually bring us the fulfillment that we all deserve, and that fighting for the nourishing, lasting kind of love is an uphill battle for so many of us. It’s wonderful to hear that you’ve found such an amazing partnership that has lasted for 19 years and counting!

  13. Alyx

    August 29, 2017

    I’m living a love story. The way I met him down to how our relationship has been ever since has been quite magical. However, I will agree, it is not by chance! Every day you have to make a choice whether you are going to help enrich your love or just accept status quo.

    Also, I feel as though I could have “settled” long ago on a guy who is great, and I’m sure I’d be happy the rest of my life. But I always felt like I was conceding apart of me when we were together. Thankfully we both were realistic enough to see this.

    I don’t believe that soulmates don’t exist. But I do believe they take a lot more work than some are willing to accept. I also agree that social media gets in the way of both good and bad relationships.

    Great post that makes you think, whether or not you wholly agree.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much for reading the post, and for writing such a thoughtful response! You captured the lesson that’s at the heart of things: Even the most successful relationships with the most compatible people take a ton of maintenance if you want them to last for a lifetime. People change and circumstances evolve more than we could ever predict at the beginning of a relationship; so whether or not you believe your partner is your soulmate (which I think we each define in very different ways), a healthy relationship doesn’t just happen by chance. It’s all about commitment and conscious effort.

  14. KRISTEN

    August 29, 2017

    I love the point where you talk about one person not being able to fulfill everything we’ve ever wanted. The romantic stories often paint an unrealistic picture of what love looks like. Often times, (myself included) we marry someone who doesn’t meet everything on that “checklist” and it works out for the better that way. Love is a crazy journey for sure.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thanks so much for reading, Kristen! So true–we develop those “checklists” for our future partners without fully understanding what a lifelong relationship requires over time. After all, how could you understand what a marriage requires before you’ve ever experienced one? That’s why the over-romanticized notions of what true love should be like (that we get from books and movies) are so powerful for us–and why they take so long to let go of. I couldn’t appreciate my relationship with my husband early on because I was looking for perfect compatibility–which caused me to underestimate the value of true devotion and commitment when it was right in front of me. I’m glad we both found the relationships we deserve!

  15. Cameron Reeves Poynter

    August 29, 2017

    What a fabulous article. I especially agree with the difference between passion and love. I also fall on the Elizabeth Gilbert side of soulmates – I think they exist but are too painful to be with for a lifetime.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much, Cameron!! That quote honestly changed my life. I believed for such a long time that soulmates are people we are fated to be with for a lifetime. It made it so hard to let go of the relationship I discussed in this post, because I couldn’t accept that a relationship can change your life without lasting a lifetime. I’m still not sure if I believe in fate, but I do believe that every relationship brings us wisdom that can help us become better versions of ourselves–whether the relationship is long-term or short-term, uplifting or destructive.

  16. Marissa

    August 29, 2017

    Having been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years and knowing he is my “soulmate,” I can completely agree to what you have said. Yes, I was obsessed with him for two years, but things get hard. We’ve been through so much, but my true love for him has never gone away. I wouldn’t do life with anyone else!

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      That’s so great that you’ve found that! Thanks so much for reading, Marissa–I really appreciate it 🙂

  17. Katie

    August 29, 2017

    You raise some very interesting points! Personally, I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but I’m not opposed to the idea. For my own marriage, I don’t think of him as a soul mate because it feels like that implies we were made to be each other’s perfect half. But I had to choose to love him, and he had to choose to love me. I can be unlovable sometimes. 😉 I feel like our relationship has been very intentional, with each of us taking deliberate steps to make our marriage work. It’s not easy, and we’re nowhere near being a perfect fit. We have some seriously irritating differences that can cause a ton of conflict if one of us takes the wrong “step” that day. My Christian faith leads me to believe that God pointed us to each other, but I know that our relationship has always been an intentional love, rather than a “soul-mate” encounter.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Your marriage sounds exactly like mine! I think it’s hard being with anyone for a lifetime, but it’s only made more difficult if you truly believe that there’s someone out there who you might be more compatible with. That’s an incredibly damaging belief to carry, I’ve found, because ANY relationship takes a ton of work–no matter how compatible two people might be. We have to wake up every day committed to giving our relationships the attention they require and deserve–that’s the key, not finding the perfect person or an easier relationship (which I believe don’t exist). Thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful comment, Katie–it really made me think!

  18. Kate

    August 30, 2017

    Such a fascinating read! I completely agree that we over-fantasize the idea of love and try to make it fit into a movie we’ve seen. However, real life definitely seems much more messy than that. I especially love that you focused on love as a matter of choice and not chance. I never thought about it this way, but completely agree!

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much, Kate–I’m so happy that you enjoyed reading the post, and that it resonated with you so much!! That epiphany about love being a matter of choice rather than chance took a looooong time to figure out, but it really changes everything. It means that we can fully commit to the person who’s standing in front of us, giving the relationship the attention and care it needs to last a lifetime–rather than focusing on finding a relationship that doesn’t take any work, which is an unrealistic and unfair belief to carry!

  19. Donna

    August 31, 2017

    This is a great list and I so agree! I often think we get passion mixed up at first. I wish I would have had this list in my early 20s! Would have saved me alot of heartache.

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much, Donna!! I wish I had had this list in my early twenties too, hahah–but even though those early relationships can be incredibly heart-wrenching, I’ve found that there’s no other way to learn what kind of love you deserve than by having those difficult experiences. It sucks, but until you have a way to compare what love should feel like against what unhealthy love feels like, how could you ever appreciate what you have?

  20. Corey | The Nostalgia Diaries

    September 21, 2017

    This is so wonderful. I think what it comes down to is finding the perfect combination of commitment and love in someone who wants nothing more than to be with you and for you to be your most authentic self. And if that’s a soulmate, well then, I believe in them. 🙂

    • Robin

      October 28, 2017

      Thank you so much, Corey–I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed the post 🙂 Absolutely, I think that’s what we all deserve and are searching for deep down–I think we just get distracted by unrealistic ideas of what love should be like that we have trouble recognizing it when it’s right in front of us. For me, what the concept of “soulmates” represents is that unrealistic ideal of perfect compatibility without the hard work that a lifelong relationship takes. So THAT’S what I support letting go of–in favor of the kind of relationship you’re describing. <3

  21. Lisa

    September 28, 2018

    I’m in an arranged marriage with a guy whom my mom considers my soulmate but isn’t just because we share the same culture and beliefs along with other things my mom requires.

    The truth is that this person is very jealous, insecure, and obsessed with me that he will not let me out of his sight. He is so overprotective like my dad and expects others outside the family to get his permission if they want to work or socialize with me, especially if they are male. Like my parents, he is always worried that other people will be bad and it’s making me stuck and not know what to do.

    I want to get out but my family and my husband are telling me it’s too dangerous and that I need to rely on my husband for protection even if I don’t love him.

    • Robin

      October 5, 2018

      Wow, Lisa–thank you SO much for sharing your story. I don’t know your situation beyond what you’ve told me, but I do know that though leaving what’s familiar and striking out on your own is incredibly hard, there are infinite resources for women who want to do so safely. I would strongly recommend calling The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. I know women who have worked for similar hotlines, and they say that you should call for support even if you’re not ready to leave just yet. My heart goes out to you, and I really hope that you’re doing okay. <3

  22. Boyan

    January 8, 2019

    Thank you so much for this article! What I really think is I believe only 50% in soul mates. There are people (not only one) who could complete us more than other people. But they are imperfect just like we are. So the completeness is again imperfect. That means that someone who is the exact other Mr or Ms that fully completes me is a non existent! A lasting relationship should be full of respect but not void of passion. In a mature relationship passion is created not consumed. So to summarize love is the everyday choice to commit yourself to another which brings as a result passion to some degree in the relationship. So completeness is reached by two people together by working on their relationship. Like the putting together of two broken pieces. They can’t cling together without all the smaller broken parts.

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