Feather & Flint

4 Dangerous Misconceptions About Soulmates—and How to Think About Love Instead

August 27, 2017 19 Comments 5 Photos

Earlier this year, I told the story of how I met, loved, and lost the person I once considered my soulmate—and why it was ultimately for the best. (Read the post here: Do Soulmates Exist?)

The concept of “soulmates” is a mystery that I’ve been unraveling for nearly a decade. Today, I want to dig into my beliefs about soulmates, developed through my own experiences, conversations, and research—and I hope that you’ll share your stories and thoughts with me, too!

Everyone wants a breathtaking love story. We want the “happily ever after” that ties all of the loose ends from our past into a definitive knot—the plot twist that makes all of the ups and downs that we’ve endured make perfect sense.

However, I’ve come to believe that our fascination with love stories and misconceptions about soulmates have twisted our perception of love in a dangerous way. Our belief that true love should be passionate and dramatic causes us to cling to unhealthy relationships that should have been left in the past. We believe that one person holds the key to our hearts—driving us to search for an idealized, once-in-a-lifetime love when what we really need might be right in front of us. We focus on limerence, the intoxicating but inevitably short-lived feeling of falling in love—not the challenge that it takes to maintain real love over the course of a lifetime.

Here are 4 dangerous misconceptions about soulmates—and how we might want to think about love instead.

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4 Common but Dangerous Misconceptions About Soulmates

Misconceptions About Soulmates: #1

We confuse passion and overwhelming emotion for love.

Author Robin Norwood explains the difference between passionate love (eros) and companionate love (agape) in a way that completely revolutionized my understanding of love. In a relationship characterized by eros, she writes that love is experienced as “an all-consuming, desperate yearning. In order for passion to exist, there needs to be a continuing struggle, obstacles to overcome, a yearning for more than is available. In a passionate relationship, something very important is missing: commitment; a means of stabilizing this chaotic emotional experience and providing a feeling of safety and security.”

In a relationship founded on agape, meanwhile, love is experienced as “a partnership to which two caring people are committed. The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel toward each other. Their relationship allows each to be more fully expressive, creative, and productive in the world. Each views the other as their dearest and most cherished friend. Another measure of the depth of love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy.”

She continues: “The society in which we live and the ever-present media that saturates our consciousness confuse the two kinds of love constantly. We are promised that a passionate relationship (eros) will bring us contentment and fulfillment (agape). The implication is that with great enough passion, a lasting bond will be forged. All the failed relationships based initially on tremendous passion can testify that this premise is false. The trust and honesty of agape must combine with the courage and vulnerability of eros in order to create true intimacy.”

In my post, Do Soulmates Exist?, I describe a relationship from my past that I now realize was founded entirely on passion:

We were finishing each other’s sentences within hours of meeting, an uncanny connection unfolding between us from the very first moment—an inexplicable, instantaneous understanding of one other that was unlike anything that either of us had ever experienced. It was as though we had known each other from the time we were children, despite growing up with half a continent between us. [On the first night that we spent together,] the story of his life already felt familiar, as though it were my own.

We carried incredibly tenacious feelings for each other, no matter how much time passed or how much distance there was between us; and the chance to take another shot at a relationship that felt destined to persevere in the end provided reason enough to keep trying. Our feelings for each other were preserved, unchanged, no matter what had happened in our separate lives in the meantime, like flowers pressed between the pages of a book.

The depth of emotion that we experienced within this relationship is hard to put into words. Our feelings for each other were fueled, rather than thwarted, by our relationship’s continuous cycles: from indescribably perfect periods when it felt like we were destined to be together, our whole lives leading up to the moment that we met; to times when we would be separated by thousands of miles, or when we were in relationships with other people, or when I would pass him on the street with incommunicable hatred and hurt in my eyes, wishing desperately that we had never met.

After three exhausting years, I finally realized that this intensely passionate relationship would never become what I needed it to be or what I deserved. Ultimately, I could no longer deny the fact that he was unable to do two things that are required within any lasting relationship: to be vulnerable in the presence of a person who you trust to care about you in spite of your rough edges; and to turn your feelings for your partner into commitment toward the relationship. Because our relationship was founded on eros but lacked the vital lifeblood that agape provides, it was destined to fall apart—no matter how tenacious or profound our feelings might have been.

4 Misconceptions About Soulmates We All Get Wrong | Feather & Flint

Misconceptions About Soulmates: #2

We expect a single person to meet all of our needs.

From a young age, we’re steeped in the narrative that each of us has a counterpart that we should spend our lives searching for; that we’re a single soul split into two bodies, never fully whole until we’ve found our perfect match.

Think about the pressure that this puts on us—both to find our soulmates, and to live happily ever after with them.

What if you find someone who loves you more than you could ever have imagined, but your differences sometimes cause friction in your relationship? Does occasional conflict mean that you chose the wrong person? Should you walk away from that once-in-a-lifetime love in the hope of finding a more ideal partner?

What if you happen to find someone with whom you feel divinely connected from the very first moment, but being with them puts you through hell? Are you supposed to stick by someone’s side as they mistreat you, simply because they make you feel more intense emotions than you ever thought possible? Do you have to set aside any notions of what you deserve in the name of true love?

We have to loosen our grip on these misconceptions about soulmates in order to find lasting happiness within our relationships. There is no person who can perfectly balance your strengths and weaknesses; and every relationship contains a certain amount of conflict, loneliness, and frustration. You can find real, lifelong love with someone with whom you have nothing in common other than a shared commitment to your relationship. By the same token, two people who seem perfectly suited for one another on paper can find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship that they’d both be better off without.

The second part of this important tenet is that we can’t rely on a single person to fulfill all of our emotional needs. We all need to feel understood in a deep, meaningful way in order to be happy. However, this doesn’t need to be provided solely by our partners; and in fact, it can’t be. Even the most fulfilling, well-balanced relationship needs to be supplemented by other sources of contentment—friendships, family relationships, careers, and creative pursuits—for a healthy dynamic to form.

One person can’t be everything for the person that they’re with; and we can’t place our emotional well-being solely in another person’s hands. We have to become whole as individuals before we can establish healthy relationships—and we can’t afford to wait to feel complete until we find our ‘better half.’ By handing the responsibility back to each of us to forge happiness on our own terms, it takes a tremendous deal of pressure off of our relationships.

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Misconceptions About Soulmates: #3

We get swept away by dramatic love stories.

When you believe that something is fated to happen, you become a passenger in your life rather than the driver. In the relationship that I described in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?, I was willing to put up with emotional torture in the short-term because I believed that he was my destiny in the long-term. It took years for me to understand that fate didn’t require me to settle for less than what I deserved; that I could play an active role in constructing my own future. Ultimately, I realized: how could my destiny be tied to someone who couldn’t commit to a long-term relationship with me?

From the outside, it was impossible to understand why we kept coming back to one other, drawn together like magnets, when our union resulted in such intense agony. The reality is that we viewed each obstacle impeding our relationship as a temporary setback within a lifelong love story. Rather than seeing the inherent weaknesses in our relationship, we blamed our circumstances every time that things fell apart. Our indescribable, instantaneous connection led us both to believe that our relationship would inevitably succeed, one way or another. This provided reason enough to keep trying, year after year, no matter how spectacularly it had failed the last time.

After all, I always asked myself, what if I passed up the chance to give our relationship one last try, and our happy ending had been right around the corner? What if I said goodbye before I was truly ready, and I regretted it for the rest of my life? How could we feel such profound emotions and not be destined to be together? Most of all: how could I close the book on the greatest love story I’d ever heard after we’d sacrificed so much to make it work?

I could see this breathtaking narrative unfolding before my eyes when we were together. Sometimes, it felt so close that I could almost reach out and grab it; but it would dissipate as quickly as it had appeared, no matter how desperately I tried to hold on. What I wish I had known then was that a beautiful story is just that: a story that we tell ourselves to make sense of the complicated reality that we inhabit. Love stories have a way of emphasizing certain components—the instant connection, the dramatic arc, the gratifying ending—and letting unromantic, inconvenient details fade into the background. In reality, however, people don’t always play the roles that we want them to; and the circumstances that we’re dealt sometimes force us to abandon the narrative we’ve constructed for a real chance at a happy ending.

I wrote in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?:

It wasn’t easy to fabricate my own sense of closure when the most haunting, evocative relationship that I had ever experienced ended for reasons that I had no control over and will never truly understand. The most difficult thing to let go of was the poignant narrative that had been building for three years—the timeless story of an enigmatic, powerful love that persevered in the most difficult of circumstances, destined to bring us together in the end. It was the Northern Star that kept us coming back to one another again and again, in spite of everything; but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

He remains an undeniable element of my personal history; but ultimately, his significance didn’t arise from the fact that he was meant to be a part of my life until the end of time. His role was that of a catalyst, transforming me into the person that I needed to be in order to end up exactly as I am today: resilient and wise; unflinching in demanding what I deserve; and with no specters of regret haunting my dreams.

4 Misconceptions About Soulmates We All Get Wrong | Feather & Flint

Misconceptions About Soulmates: #4

We think of love as a matter of chance, not of choice.

I met the man that I married at the Starbucks in downtown Boston where I briefly worked during college. I was a barista, and he was a customer who would come in for hot chocolate several times a day for the chance to chat with me over the counter. Our first date lasted over 24 hours; and as we traversed the city, getting to know each other on a deeper level, we saved a man’s life and I met half of his family. It was romantic, and it’s a story that we love telling, even seven years later. In fact, our love story formed the basis for our wedding ceremony. (Everyone cried.)

However, just as much a part of our story is that our relationship has never been easy. We’re polar opposites in every way; and while our differences have gradually transformed us into better, more well-rounded human beings, it’s also caused many arguments that tend to end in agreeing to disagree.

In fact, just a few months after we met, I broke things off, saying that we’d both have an easier time if we found partners more similar to ourselves. We would never have ended up together if it hadn’t been for his perseverance and enduring commitment. As I said a tearful goodbye to him back then, he told me that he would never walk away from our relationship—a promise that he kept by continuing to show up on my doorstep, month after month. He loved me more than anyone I would ever meet; but because of my misconceptions about soulmates, I was waiting for my perfect counterpart, with a relationship free of friction and dissension. I was unable to recognize what was right in front of me.

In the end, the most romantic part of our story isn’t how we met, or how we came back together—it’s how we’ve stayed together, putting the necessary maintenance into our relationship, day in and day out. It’s the way that we’ve both chosen each other every single day for the last seven years, supporting each other through all of life’s twists and turns. As I wrote in my post, Do Soulmates Exist?:

I have learned that love is not infatuation; it is not magnetic attraction; it is not the dramatic, heart-wrenching passion that results from being ripped apart and reunited. Lasting love is not contingent on these things. It is a daily choice to remain committed to someone whom you are willing to trust with everything that you have. It is vulnerability, and it is sacrifice. It is laughter, and it is reciprocity.

Love is not dichotomous, hot-and-cold passion; it is the feeling of a cup of tea warmed to the perfect temperature, savored early in the morning as the rest of the world sleeps, with a comforting warmth that persists even when you’re apart. It is based on the experiences that you build through mutual dependence upon one another, in good times as well as in bad. It is realizing that you can’t imagine life without one another, because you are the most you with this person as a part of your existence. It is wanting to depart this earth at the exact same time so that you never have to live a single moment in a reality where they no longer exist. I know this now.

We’ve all fallen head over heels for the concept of soulmates. But isn’t it more romantic to love someone because of who they are—not because a mysterious force thrusts you together? Isn’t it more romantic to voluntarily devote each day of the rest of your life to stoking the fire of your relationship—not relying on an inexplicable attraction that could disappear as quickly as it arrived? Isn’t it more romantic to know that either of you could have ended up with any number of people, but you chose each other unequivocally? Isn’t it more romantic to know that chance may have brought you together, but the choice to join two separate lives into one was entirely deliberate? I certainly think so.

We may meet our life partners by chance; but whether or not they stay in our lives is entirely within our control. We have to let go of the romanticized notion of “the one that got away”—the soulmate who we met, loved, and forever regretted losing—and other damaging misconceptions about soulmates. People come into our lives to teach us vital lessons about ourselves and the world around us. If we’re lucky, we meet kindred spirits along the way—people who we form rare, instantaneous connections with, who understand a part of us that others can’t. Some of these people are meant to stick around for the duration of our lives; but many seem to slip through our fingers once they’ve served their purpose. We have to stop swimming upstream, holding on to relationships that aren’t built to stand the test of time—whether it’s circumstances or personal differences that drive you apart.

When we meet the people who are meant to be a part of our lives for the long haul, there will still be arguments, compromises, and difficult decisions along the way. In order to forge a partnership that lasts a lifetime, therefore, we have to be willing to put in the continual hard work to evolve along with our circumstances—becoming better versions of ourselves year after year.

Read it on #featherandflint: 4 dangerous misconceptions about soulmates that we all get wrong. Click To Tweet

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Misconceptions About Soulmates:

What Other Writers Have to Say

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides; and when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is: Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

—Louis de Bernières

“A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it robs both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them.”

—Rainer Maria Rilke

“When you become infatuated with somebody, you’re not really looking at that person; you’re intoxicated by a dream of completion that you have projected on a virtual stranger. Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job. Real, sane, mature love—the kind that pays the mortgage year after year and picks up the kids after school—is not based on infatuation, but on affection and respect.”

—Elizabeth Gilbert

“Love is the choice to see someone as something more, to see them as poetic, beautiful, and worth choosing. Love is not blind, love sees us as we are and chooses to stay with us, making us better, building us up, and showing us grace when we fail. The longing is not for someone who will complete them; it is for someone who will complete the journey with them. It’s all right to see stars in the eyes of someone you love; it’s just understanding that the story is not about them, that they are not the beginning and end of all life, but that they play a crucial role in the turning of the pages, the ending of sentences, and the beginning of new chapters. Love is looking at someone and saying, ‘I want to finish this journey with them. I want them in my story. Even if they are not perfect.’”

—T.B. La Berge

“Maybe that’s what it all comes down to: love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

—Emily Giffin

“A true soulmate is a mirror—the person who shows you everything that is holding you back; the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave.”

—Elizabeth Gilbert

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they’re not joined to you; and if they’re not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in your story is over.”

—T.D. Jakes

“A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on this deeper level. This kind of mutual recognition provides the catalyst for a potent alchemy. It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials. This means recognizing that we both have an important part to play in helping each other become more fully who we are.”

—John Welwood

“I refuse to burden him with the tremendous responsibility of somehow completing me. I’ve faced enough of my own incompletions to recognize that they belong solely to me. I can actually tell now where I end and where somebody else begins. It took me over three and a half decades to get to this point—to learn the limitations of sane human intimacy, as nicely defined by C.S. Lewis, when he wrote of his wife, ‘We both knew this: I had my miseries, not hers; she had hers, not mine.’ One plus one, in other words, is sometimes supposed to equal two.”

—Elizabeth Gilbert

4 Misconceptions About Soulmates We All Get Wrong | Feather & Flint

What are your thoughts on soulmates? I would love to hear your stories and opinions (this is literally my favorite thing to talk about)—leave me a comment below!

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P.P.S. All gorgeous wedding photos in this post were taken by The More We See. You can see more photos from our wedding in this post: Planning a Wedding That’s True to Who You Are

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19 Comments

  1. Reply

    Laura

    August 28, 2017

    I don’t necessarily believe in soulmates (though my bestffriend and I claim to be each other’s, and our partners are just the loves of our lives). Though I do believe certain people are meant to come into your life, whether to be a destructive force or an uplifting one.

    When it comes to the mister, I know I could be happy with someone else out there, so could he, but we found each other and love each other and commit to each other, and what’s more beautiful than that?

    Xxox
    Laura @ http://www.cookwineandthinker.com

  2. Reply

    Fay

    August 28, 2017

    This is such a hard topic of conversation to discuss because I am unsure on my thoughts and feelings towards soulmates. I was married for 5 years before ultimately leaving my husband and moving back to Ohio. The reasoning is obviously that of a complex nature but if I had to hone in on one detail it would be that I didn’t feel whole. I felt as though I was living a passionless life. I yearned for more, for a deeper connection with not only my spouse but with myself and the world around me.
    I believe that people enter and exit your life at the right moments. Sometimes it hurts and we can’t explain why but I believe that each point in your life can come with a soulmate, depending on your current state. When I started dated again, I soon realized that there are so many types of people in this world. There were those I shared a lot in common with and those that I did not. Trying to understand relationships and the concept of soulmates is tricky to me, and I feel as though I have a skewed perception due to my divorce. But, alas, I push forward, creating relationships with new beings (friends or more) and hope that one day I will feel the passion and commitment that you discuss in your post!

  3. Reply

    Amanda @ The Light Owl

    August 28, 2017

    Love this post girl! Your story about meeting your husband is so perfect. I’ve heard from a lot of people actually that they have a soul mate and yet they could never be together. I do believe in the concept of soul mates. My best friend is one. And I think in many ways, my husband is a soul mate too, but I don’t necessarily believe in ONE soul mate, if that makes sense. I’m certainly not attracted to my best friend and yet we vibe perfectly together. My husband and I do too, most of the time. But I love him for way more than just being very similar to me. In many ways, we are a lot different too. That took a lot of getting used to, but through the last 8.5 years, we’ve learned to adjust to one another and allow our differences to complement each other.

  4. Reply

    Emily @ The Southern Belle Blogs

    August 28, 2017

    Like Laura, I don’t believe in soul mates in a romantic way but I do think my best friend and I are meant for each other. We have one of those friendships that can just pick up immediately, no matter how much time has passed.

    I love my partner but I wouldn’t call him my soul mate. He’s my partner though in every which way and I wouldn’t change anything. Things may not always be passionate but I complete faith in him being a wonderful provider and lifelong mate.

  5. Reply

    Alex | sunkissed in december

    August 28, 2017

    Such a wonderful read, my head is now spinning thinking about the concept of soulmates vs. love. I was also in a very similar relationship to that passionate/destructive one you spoke about (almost to an uncanny point!!) and when that finally ended it was the weirdest and hardest thing to just give it up. My relationship now is so completely opposite of that, and falls more into the vulnerable, trusting, agape category. Although I’m still not sure what my exact feelings on “soulmates” are, I do think people come into and out of life for a reason, and maybe it takes that passionate crazy experience and losing it to realize that the vulnerable committed experience is what you need.

  6. Reply

    Adriana Renee

    August 28, 2017

    Love this! I’m single who is enjoying her singleness. One of the main things I am doing is feeling content with myself instead of hoping someone fulfills me.

  7. Reply

    jehava

    August 28, 2017

    You are so correct and I think understanding this leads to realistic expectations and a great marriage!

  8. Reply

    cara

    August 28, 2017

    I think the second point you made is so spot on! So many times we rely on others to make us happy, but when you do that you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. Only you and you alone can control your own happiness. Great post!

  9. Reply

    Jordyn

    August 28, 2017

    This is such a great post! I also don’t think the idea of soul mates is always a healthy concept. When I was younger I really confused passion in a bad relationship with the sort of passion I saw in movies and read about in books. I stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long. Now I am in a much healthier much happier relationship and I realize love is a choice, not something we stumble into aimlessly.

  10. Reply

    Vicki

    August 28, 2017

    Yes Yes Yes Yes YES to number 3! I am a hopeless romantic by nature and I knew that I would do whatever it took to make my marriage last for a lifetime. I also endured emotional abuse and neglect because I was determined to have my happily ever after. It wasn’t fair to me, and I had to remind myself that I deserve real love, even if it meant starting over and finding a new path in life.

  11. Reply

    Jordyn Galan

    August 28, 2017

    You brought up many good points i have never thought about. Great post!

  12. Reply

    Anonymous

    August 28, 2017

    I love this! I’ve been married for 19 years and I agree with everything you said. My previous relationship was one of passion and unfortunately passion is just too fleeting. My husband is steadfast and true and loves me despite (my bad habits, moodiness, faults, etc.). He sticks around when it gets tough. I think that this notion of a “soulmate” is ruining modern relationships. No one should “complete you” except you. You have to be whole before you can be a partner. This should be required reading for all high schoolers/college students/single people.

  13. Reply

    Alyx

    August 29, 2017

    I’m living a love story. The way I met him down to how our relationship has been ever since has been quite magical. However, I will agree, it is not by chance! Every day you have to make a choice whether you are going to help enrich your love or just accept status quo.

    Also, I feel as though I could have “settled” long ago on a guy who is great, and I’m sure I’d be happy the rest of my life. But I always felt like I was conceding apart of me when we were together. Thankfully we both were realistic enough to see this.

    I don’t believe that soulmates don’t exist. But I do believe they take a lot more work than some are willing to accept. I also agree that social media gets in the way of both good and bad relationships.

    Great post that makes you think, whether or not you wholly agree.

  14. Reply

    KRISTEN

    August 29, 2017

    I love the point where you talk about one person not being able to fulfill everything we’ve ever wanted. The romantic stories often paint an unrealistic picture of what love looks like. Often times, (myself included) we marry someone who doesn’t meet everything on that “checklist” and it works out for the better that way. Love is a crazy journey for sure.

  15. Reply

    Cameron Reeves Poynter

    August 29, 2017

    What a fabulous article. I especially agree with the difference between passion and love. I also fall on the Elizabeth Gilbert side of soulmates – I think they exist but are too painful to be with for a lifetime.

  16. Reply

    Marissa

    August 29, 2017

    Having been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years and knowing he is my “soulmate,” I can completely agree to what you have said. Yes, I was obsessed with him for two years, but things get hard. We’ve been through so much, but my true love for him has never gone away. I wouldn’t do life with anyone else!

  17. Reply

    Katie

    August 29, 2017

    You raise some very interesting points! Personally, I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but I’m not opposed to the idea. For my own marriage, I don’t think of him as a soul mate because it feels like that implies we were made to be each other’s perfect half. But I had to choose to love him, and he had to choose to love me. I can be unlovable sometimes. 😉 I feel like our relationship has been very intentional, with each of us taking deliberate steps to make our marriage work. It’s not easy, and we’re nowhere near being a perfect fit. We have some seriously irritating differences that can cause a ton of conflict if one of us takes the wrong “step” that day. My Christian faith leads me to believe that God pointed us to each other, but I know that our relationship has always been an intentional love, rather than a “soul-mate” encounter.

  18. Reply

    Kate

    August 30, 2017

    Such a fascinating read! I completely agree that we over-fantasize the idea of love and try to make it fit into a movie we’ve seen. However, real life definitely seems much more messy than that. I especially love that you focused on love as a matter of choice and not chance. I never thought about it this way, but completely agree!

  19. Reply

    Donna

    August 31, 2017

    This is a great list and I so agree! I often think we get passion mixed up at first. I wish I would have had this list in my early 20s! Would have saved me alot of heartache.

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